Good session with the Psychiatrist yesterday

I met with my new psychiatrist again yesterday for a follow up visit, here in my new town. The system was different to the old hospital so I ended up waiting almost an hour to see her. And lots of doctors were coming to call patients. I wasnt sure if I was even going to see the same psychiatrist from last week! But sure enough she called me herself. She was really impressed with how much better I looked. I believe her exact words were “Wow you look amazing” 🙂 I feel so much better too. The new meds she put me on are definitely doing the trick for me. No highs, I just feel absolutely normal. I am enjoying life again. Back out and about with my camera, and living again.

I had a good week, met lots of new people. I went to the local scouting meeting, and met all the leaders I will be working with. A lovely bunch of people, and we have a very hectic schedule for the next month, so thats all good. Of course they all wanted me in their sections since they are short of leaders everywhere, but I stuck to my original plan and I will be working with the cubs. I just find them easier to deal with, and so much fun.

I also went out with the local theatre group at the weekend. Met some great characters, and I’ve been asked to help out with the sets for the Variety show. I said I’d think about it, but I believe I might do it. They seem like a nice crowd to be involved with. I haven’t heard from the drama group I am supposed to be joining yet, so I still have that to look forward to as well 🙂

All in all, I am doing so much better, what a difference a week makes 🙂

 

All alone here

Well its official, I now live alone. My kids left yesterday. I expected their Dad to come and collect them, it would have been easier for me that way. But as usual he let me down, and I had to drive them there myself.

Before they left I found my son sitting in his room with his head in his hands. I don’t think he was too happy about leaving me and this house. There was barely a word spoken the whole way. They unpacked the car pretty quickly and I turned to get back in the car and leave. My daughter called me back, said she didnt know when she might get to see me again, and asked for a hug. That nearly broke my heart.

I drove home crying all the way. And when I got here I took a xanax. I should have thought to bring them with me. I went to B’s house for dinner, he made a huge effort, even wore a suit bless him. He said I needed to be spoiled yesterday, with all I had been through. God it was such a tough day.

Today I got a phone call from the Community Mental Health Centre. The psychiatrist was good on her word, and I got a call from a therapist. I’ve my first meeting with her the week after next, I also have an appointment with the psychiatrist next week. I shall try really really hard to be positive and look on this as the beginning of a new life for me, rather than the end of my role as a mother to my children 😦

 

A hell of a day

St Lomans Mullingar (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well it’s been one of those days. Started out bright and early after little or no sleep and ended in a psychiatric hospital 😦 Well almost – they let me out – I am home now.

So let me rewind. Sleep hasn’t been great for a while, I’ve been back on a mild sedative at night time for a few weeks now. It worked great for the first week or so, but once I caught up on the sleep I had missed, my sleep became a bit hit or miss again. Yesterday evening was a tough one, as was last night. And this morning my doctor called me about some bloods I had had done last week. During the phone call she deduced I’m not doing so great, and asked me to go in to see her today. So I did. I know I need help. There’s no point in messing around and trying to go it alone. It just couldnt work with all thats being going on here.

When I got to the docs, she discussed the bloods first. Then said, well, How have you been? To say “I fell apart” would be the understatement of the century. Took me absolutely ages to stop crying long enough to tell her that I’ve not been good at all. That I am so disappointed in myself for being back here again. That I had such high hopes that I was better. That I am dreading the kids leaving. That I am struggling with my eldest. etc etc ETC, you get the general idea. Next thing I know, she is looking to call me an ambulance to get me to the psych hospital. I asked her to give me a chance to pull myself together and I would drive there myself. I was supposed to be collecting my kids from their fathers, but she decided they could wait. I needed help, and I needed it now!

I drove over to the hospital, very much in control. I thought I was all cried out, and that when I got there they’d laugh at me! Boy was I wrong. I spent over 2 hours with a psychiatrist. And incredibly, she is normally based in my new county. So not only did she sort me out today with a new drug regime, she will be able to see me in my new town next week, AND she is hurrying up my appointment with the psychologist! She took me back off the sedative I have been on. She told me that it normally causes weight gain!!! I said well that would explain the 60 odd pounds I gained last year, which has been falling off this year. Mind you, I had gained 5 pounds again in the past month since I started the new drugs. I am back on the antidepressant I had been taking, which had worked for me in the past. And I have a sleeping pill for the next 5 nights. After that I am to sleep on my own. We shall see how that goes…

I am absolutely shattered now. Its been such a long day, but I am pleased that I am back under a psychiatrist. Much as I love my doctor, with this kind of thing, I am better off with a pro. The photography, by the way, is the actual hospital I was in today. Not exactly the kind of place that would cheer you up is it?

2 more days till the kids leave me. I hope I can be strong enough to get through this.

 

Another weekend over…

“The Hangover” (Portrait of Suzanne Valadon) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have always hated weekends, for different reasons. When I lived with my ex, I hated it because he drank so much and slept most of the day to sleep off his hangovers. I hated that I had to do everything while he did nothing.

Now I hate it because the kids have gone. This weekend was particularly hard, because they went on Thursday and won’t be back until tomorrow. And even then they will only be back for one night 😦 Then they move back to their Dad permanently. School starts again this week.

I don’t know what I am going to do with myself when they leave. At least at the weekends I can go and annoy my friends. And I spend a lot of the time with B. But I can’t do that fulltime. When I have the weeks to fill in as well, the time will be so long. I’ve known this is coming, but the closer it gets, the worse I feel. Not helped by  the timing with my brothers birthday this week.

I know my Dad is getting worried about me again. He keeps ringing with silly little jobs he wants me to do. I know he is only asking me to give me something to focus on. He has been here a good bit lately, so he probably sees me slipping again. Its nice to know he cares, but at the same time I hate worrying him 😦

 

A letter to my brother on his birthday

Dear Derek,

Today is your 50th birthday. I wish you were here to celebrate it with us. We’ve missed the odd birthday here or there, when you’ve been off travelling, or I’ve been  overseas. But this one is a biggie. I remember your 40th so clearly. The kids were so excited when you announced you wanted to have it in MacDonalds. Mam and Dad thought you were mad, but then what’s new. They never really got the idea that you didn’t want to grow old. I can still see them sitting on toadstools feeling like total idiots, and us having a blast. Dave and I got you one of those huge cards that sing Happy Birthday. They were relatively new then. You kept opening and closing it and making it sing till the batteries wore down. Then we all tried to whine along to it. It was a great birthday.

So much has changed since you left. My life for one. I’ve turned it completely on its head. I left D. I’m sure you’ll be pleased about that. You never had much time for him. I never really saw why till after you were gone. I’m living in the next county now, I have a house all to myself. The kids are here at the minute, but they’ll be leaving soon. You wouldn’t like this house mind you. Firstly, its non smoking! And secondly its a long way from Kildare. I love it though, it’s exactly as I want it to be. And it’s mine.

I mentioned the kids, they are hardly kids now. All grown up. They all still talk about you. Even C, the youngest. She remembers how you used to tickle her, she calls you the tickle monster. I feel like she was cheated, because she was only 4 when you left, so she didn’t really get to know you. Don’t worry, she has heard lots of stories. We talk about you all the time. Dad in particular.

Remember you taught them to make paper airplanes just before you went? Really fancy ones? Well they went into their new schools that September and taught all the kids how to make them. The teacher didn’t even get mad at the waste of paper, when they explained who had taught them. She organised a paper plane competition, to see whose plane could fly the furthest.

Remember that time you came to visit me in my dream? You came over and over again. Told me all sorts of things about life in heaven. About how you can’t smoke there, if you wanted to smoke you needed to go down below. And how you couldn’t eat because it gave you the shits? It gave me great peace that last time you visited and told me that you had found the computer room, and were happy there. I wish you could visit again, but I am glad that you don’t need to. Dad and Mam told me about your visiting them too in their dreams. Dad thought it was great that you drove the van for him that day. He really misses that. Mam said she was pleased you liked their new house. They couldn’t have stayed in the old one after you left, too many memories.

I want to say I really really miss you and thank you for looking out for me. I know you’ve been with me in the past few months, helping me to get my life in order. You’ve brought the most amazing people my way, and been there by my side in the most difficult times. I know for as long as I live, I will still have you in my life, watching over me, and helping me along. I take great comfort in that.

I missed you so much that, for a while there, I wanted to join you. I guess the biggest problem was if I had, there was always the chance I would have ended up down below. Would have been a bit ironic, if I had taken the final step to join you, and ended up in the wrong destination! I finally realised I don’t have to go to you, because you are still here with me, in my heart.

Heaven (Photo credit: adyyflickr)

Have a wonderful birthday, and I will see you again someday,

Your sister

Siobhan

 

My brothers 50th birthday

English: The “Golden Arches” by Skegness Pier (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today is the 23rd of August and my darling brother Derek would have been 50 today. Its funny isn’t it, I still see him as 41, the age he was when he died. I still miss him every single day. There isn’t a day that I don’t think about him, talk about him, or talk to him.

He was my best friend. We did everything together, we even worked together. He spent the evenings at my house 3 or 4 times a week. I think it was thanks to him that my marriage lasted as long as it did, because while I had him to talk to, I didnt realise that I wasn’t talking to my husband. I discussed everything with him, he always had my back.

I wonder what we would have done today if he was alive. For his 40th we went to the kiddies section in MacDonalds. A whole big group of us, my parents included, sitting on toadstools eating Happy Meals. That’s what he wanted to do!

I know most people idolise the dead, remember the good parts, and forget the bad parts. I don’t forget the bad parts. He had a fierce temper on him, so do I. We had some blazing rows over the years. He has stormed out of my house more times than I can remember. But the next day we’d be back to normal. A row was a row, just that, it didn’t define us, didn’t change us. We each needed each other more than any row.

My last night with Derek was very poignant. I had just gotten the keys to my new house, had spent the day driving over an back from Kildare to Westmeath (over an hour each way). I was shattered and was driving back to Westmeath for the last time to spend my last night in Kildare. We were moving the following morning. He phoned and said he was coming over. I said don’t! I am wrecked, I just need to go to bed! He said “F**k ya, when you move I won’t see you again.” So I let him. I presume he meant that he wouldn’t be able to call over in the evenings because it was so far away. But it turned out to be the truth. He died the next night.

Happy 50th big brother, I hope you have a good one 😉

All my love Siobhan

Visit to Doctors

Pill tablet (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

So I went to the Doctors as planned this morning. She took a whole heap of blood tests to make sure my weight loss isnt related to some illness and not just the fact that my eating has been all over the place. Although we are fairly sure its just my erratic eating habits.

Then she asked me about how I have been. I explained that I am by and large ok. I do enjoy aspects of my life, I am getting pleasure out of somethings, and I can appreciate when I have a good time. Whereas when I was in the depths of depression nothing at all gave me pleasure, not even things I knew I should enjoy, or would have enjoyed in the past. I explained how anxious I am about the kids leaving, and me being here on my own 24/7. She asked me to make an appointment to see her the Monday morning the kids start school, so that at least I would have something else to focus on that day. But to be honest I didn’t see how that would work for me. First of all, I might have gotten used to the idea by then, and wouldn’t need an appointment. And secondly I have my trip to England planned for later in September, so I do have that to look forward to and focus on.

We decided in the end to wait till closer to the time, if I need to see her then, I will ring her. And of course now I am on the books with the Mental Health unit in my new town. I can, if needs be, contact them in an emergency. I also still have my xanax which I know I can take if things get bad. All in all, I am happy with the outcome of the meeting. I shall stay on the medication I was on, no increase, and no new pills. And at this medication level I can function, I can still feel. I would rather that than not being able to feel anything.

I guess I am  a bit more philosophical this morning. This depression thing is a curse, its a long road to get over it, and it will always try to claw me back. I just have to try to stay one step ahead of  it so I NEVER get as sick as I was earlier this year. When I think back over the past few years, they are largely a blur. I can’t remember when certain things happened, or how they happened. The aim has to be to stay well. And I will do whatever I can to achieve that.

 

What should I do?

I’ve got a doctors appointment in the morning. I am unsure what I should do. The appointment is to check how the sedatives and anti psychotics are working. I think they are working quite well, I am sleeping reasonably well these days, my eating has improved (I generally eat 2 meals a day now), and I am not so anxious in crowds.

The problem is I am still down. Its kind of hard to explain. I am happy with my life. I do love the fact that I have my own home. I do love that I have left my ex. I do love that I have good friends and a great support network. I am not so low that I cannot recognise what I have.

sad (Photo credit: Kalexanderson)

But I also recognise what I no longer have. I no longer have my birds. I no longer have my dog, whom I adored. I no longer have my friends on my doorstep. And very soon I will not have my kids (they’re moving back to their dad full time in September). Some of the time I find I can focus on what I have now, how far I have come, how proud I am of what I have achieved. Those times are great. But a lot of the time I find myself dwelling on what I’ve lost to achieve that. Those times are so so hard.

My question is, do I ask the doc for more medication to cope with the hard times, while I am waiting to see the psychologist? Or do I hope that I can come to terms with it all myself? I am so afraid to end up with too many drugs again, back in the haze I was in, where I couldnt get my brain to function through the fog of the drugs. But at the same time I am scared that if I don’t take medication, I will end up back wanting to die again. Right now, I want to live, but I want to live a happy life. I don’t want to simply “endure” life. Does that make sense?

I’m not so low that I can’t enjoy parts of my life, like I was earlier in the year. I do have fun, I do have good times. But I also have horribly bad times, when I cry a lot. As I said to a friend today, I am very good at self pity, I have a masters degree in it!

I suppose I shall sleep on it and see what I think in the morning. Any or all advice would be most welcome 😉

 

 

The prodigal daughter returns

My eldest daughter returned from Canada yesterday. I was a little aprehensive as to how it was going to go, since I moved out while she was gone. She was delighted to see me, somehow managed to stay awake all day, till the early hours of this morning. It is good to have her back and since she has her friend with her, the conversation, so far anyways, is all light and cheery.

Her Dad collected her from the airport. She had asked for a full traditional Irish roast dinner. And since I was cooking anyways I decided to invite her dad to join us. I thought it would give her more time with him, since he hasnt been in touch with her really for 4 months. I also thought it would let her see that he and I are ok together, that the separation is what we both wanted.

Anyways I issued the invitation, and he accepted!!! Having dinner with him was the last thing I wanted, especially in MY home, but I was pleased he accepted for my daughters sake. He arrived with the 3 kids, and had a cup of coffee with us. They weren’t long after eating so I was going to delay dinner  a while so they’d be hungry. He drank his coffee, and left!! I couldn’t believe it. I thought he would want to spend time with his daughter after not seeing her for so long, but apparently I was wrong… again!

I hope in years to come my daughter remembers all these little details. How I make the effort and he screws it up. She can never say that I didnt try at least.

 

The letter that changed it all

Envelope (Photo credit: bburky)

As I planned, I had a good day yesterday. I brought the kids to Enniskillen for some retail therapy, we enjoyed the trip, no arguments, listened to music and chatted the whole way up and down again. It was nice to spend some decent time with them. We talked a little about them moving back to their Dad. They assure me they will still come to stay with me from time to time. But kids are kids, and I am sure their lives will move along quite well once they move back. The last thing I want is for their visits to me to become a chore, I guess I will play that one by ear.

I had a nice evening with B. We talked a lot, joked, had fun generally. And with the help of drugs I slept fairly well, and woke up refreshed this morning. And then the post came….

The letter puzzled me because it was addressed to my married name, but was posted here. Any post that comes here has my maiden name on it. I opened it, with no clue what it might have been. So no worries, no nervousness, just a regular old letter.

It was from the clinical psychology dept in my new town. My doctor has referred me to them as she is apparently worried about me again. I had finished up with psychotherapy in March, by a mutual decision between me and my therapist. I felt elated, delighted that I could stand on my own 2 feet again. I know I need therapy again, but its so disappointing considering how far I had come.

I feel like I am going backwards. A month ago, I had no medication, no therapy, discharged by the psychiatrist, just me against the big bad world. Now I’m back under a doctors care, back on meds, and soon to be back at therapy. What’s next? Back under a psychiatrist? Back in Psychiatric hospitals?

I do think the meds are working though, I feel a good bit better than I did a couple of weeks ago. Sleep is much improved, and so is my eating. Most days I eat twice a day now, that’s a major improvement so I am happy about that.

Oh well, onwards and upwards I suppose 😦